"Not all who are Lost
Wander,
and not all who Wander
are Lost....
But as for me I fall somewhere in Between"
As I was journaling today, this is the saying that summarized my musings of the day and what I've been feeling for the last few weeks.
Early last week I was accused by a friend of having been emotionally running again, and I was in complete denial about it at first, but then realized he was correct and told him so...and as time ran out on on our phone call I told him I'd think about our conversation and get back to him later in the week.
The only problem with that statement, is that by the end of the night I knew what I needed to tell him, but wasn't about too...and with everything going on in my life when given the opportunity to go out with a friend and her friends I may have gotten a little to into it and a little on the drunk side...okay if we are totally honest, I wasn't a little drunk, I was flat out drunk...to the point I don't really remember the last two hours of the night or so.
I woke up the next morning with the feeling of oh no what did I do, and then passed back out for the rest of the day with a nasty hangover. Over the course of the last week I've had a lot of time to think...between a friend not returning my calls or text, and the fact that my job gives me a lot of time to just be by myself and internally think (not always a good thing to be inside my head 8 hours a day); I've had time to think, process, reflect.
One of the reason's I wasn't thrilled that my friend C called me out on being an emotional runner was because I thought I had processed through it all while abroad last year, in-fact if you look at my blog from the WR deidrapeters.theworldrace.org I even had written a blog called "No Longer a Runner"...but I've realized this week that while I did work on it, while I processed through it last year, I did it to the point, where everyone who saw me and asked me about it got the answer that they wanted that I was okay, that I wasn't going to emotionally run anymore. Yet that's exactly what I've been doing.
When I got home from the World Race (WR) almost 10 months ago I came back to a lot unknowns...unknown about family, about church, about where I'd fit into my friend group, about being dropped into some unexpected family drama that would bring up things from my past that I HAD dealt with, that I thought I had processed through....I came back to chaos...and I don't handle chaos well. The first 7 months back or so I was in La Grande, Oregon... the town I had deemed home; I threw myself back into work, church (Youth Group), friends and family...but I wasn't happy...I didn't really tell anyone this, not until after I'd been in New York for a few weeks when C and I were talking and I finally told him I hadn't been miserable, but I hadn't been happy for a long time either. So after making several decisions that I knew were right for me, I chose to leave LG. I chose to leave behind friends, to leave behind a youth group I loved, a church that had helped me find my way back to Christ, and a family I cared about. But I needed a change. So I left and I moved to Albany, NY.
I've been here in Albany for 2 months now, and things haven't been easy. In fact the last few weeks have been hard. To the point that I started asking people for advice about what to do. Most said to stick it out and find a solution to the problem, C's response was to come home... which led into that conversation I mentioned at the beginning of this blog from last Monday...about me being a runner. My whole thought was if you thought I was running why didn't you say something, and as he put it would I have listened. Hind-sight is 20/20 and honestly yes, I would have listened, and taken his advice into account, because as my best friend C's opinion matters to me. But would I have done what he recommended, I guess we'll never know.
But the conversation did send me on a tailspin of thinking. And in my usual response to heavy thinking is emotionally running, so what did I do I went out and got drunk. I honestly intended on just having a drink or two at dinner but then I realized quickly how much easier and fun the night would be if I could just forget about my problems and not have to do any real processing...and as I write this I now realize why SJ, C, K, and L were so worried about me leaving. Drinking for me as always been an outlet, a way to avoid, to not process...and in doing so just flat out avoid solving any problems.
But this last week, since that drunken night, I've taken the time to process and to reflect, and to deal. I took steps to solve the major problem I had been dealing with. (It's not completely solved yet, but the first step has been taken)...I realized that maybe I haven't dealt with everything all the way like I thought I had, and that yes I am an emotional runner; but that as much as I miss people back in LG, back in OREGON....as much as I miss C, SJ, DJ, SS, K, L, M, J, KT and JT it wouldn't do me any good to "run" back the second things got hard here. Like it or not I made the choice to move to Albany. And I'm going to stand by that choice. Is it hard that things at my job aren't perfect...sure, but for the most part I like my coworkers, love my managers, and actually kind of enjoy the work. Even if its not the job I want long term, its a job that pays the bills until I figure out exactly what it is I want. Is it hard knowing I don't get to go to church every week because of my schedule, and that I'm not a part of a youth group. Absolutely, but I've made a few friends from the few church events I've been with, and with time I have faith that I will get my work schedule worked out so I can go more. I miss my youth kids more than I thought, but thankful because of things like SNAPCHAT, FACEBOOK, and INSTAGRAM I can still talk to them and watch them as they grow into young men and women And I'm good with that.
The hardest part about being here and not back in LG or Oregon is being so far away from my friends. I hate not being near KT AND JT and my nieces and nephews. Just as I was starting to have a relationship with my sister I bailed, but yet we've started talking more since I've left so maybe that was a blessing. But most of all what I miss is not being there to hang out with SS, DJ, SJ, K &M, L&J, and of course C. But what I've realized this week is that the easy choice would be to go back; to return to the known; but here on my own, I've started the process of growing, of not running. I stood up for myself in a hard situation this last week. And I honestly don't know if I would have done that back in LG. I would have look towards other people to fight for me, to stand up for me...but I took charge of my own life and stood up for myself, and that felt good. I'm learning that running isn't healthy, and yes maybe to get here I was "running" from stuff, and maybe all my friends knew it and just didn't say anything...but maybe that's a good thing because for once instead of taking the easy way out, and "running again" I'm gonna stick it out and see what happens. It doesn't mean that I'll be here for ever, and that I won't ever change my mind about coming back to OR; but it does mean that for the first time in a long time I'm choosing not to run.
Emotional running is a trait I've had for ever, and its not a healthy one and I know that. Getting drunk like I did the other night isn't something I've done in several years, and not something I plan on doing on a regular basis or like ever again to be honest...but as I sit here writing this, I realize that if I hadn't gotten drunk that night and hadn't been beating myself up about it all week, I wouldn't have taken the time to process and to figure somethings out.
I'm not perfect...nobody is, but I'm working on me...and the first thing to do is acknowledge I'm an emotional runner.
"Not all who are Lost
Wander,
and not all who Wander
are Lost....
But as for me I fall somewhere in Between"
Psalm 37:23-24 (NIV)
"The Lord makes Firm the Steps
of the one who delights in him;
though he may stumble, he will not fall,
for the lord upholds him with his hand"
