TRUTH IS...this is not a 2017 reflection blog, and yet maybe it is a little. TRUTH IS...even as I write this I'm not sure what I'm trying to say or convey...but for once maybe my blog doesn't need to have every word thought out...maybe...Just maybe this blog needs to be free formed and free flowed...
The other day, I was home...off from work for like the third day in a row and was thinking about a lot of things, and I sat there my brain began to spin...and when my I start to think about things ,rarely do I stick topic, I usually go from topic A to B to C really quickly and so I went to my bedroom to just lay on my bed and let my brain spin happen and at some point I looked next to my bed and saw my journal there....a journal which if I'm being honest I hadn't touched in almost two months....and I was like, I have way to much on my mind so maybe I should just put pen to paper and start writing...so I did. As I did, I began to realize that I'd been holding a lot in, that I hadn't processed 2017 that I had allowed myself to get to a place where I wasn't as open
As I'm writing in my journal things just started spilling out...one of those things is this :
Truth Is...
By ME
I need you,
I miss you,
Life is what it is....
and I can't change that
I miss you
I need you
I wish I could be...
the person you need
Truth is...
I need you
I Love you
I miss you
I'm scared
Scared I'm not enough
That I can't Handle it
That its all to much
Truth is...
I'm overwhelmed
I'm Hurt
I'm Lost
I'm Not all Okay
I'm okay [well maybe not]
I'm all but not
I need you
I miss You
I love You
There are conversations to be had
There is a life to be lived
A future of unknown....
This is what came out faster than I'd even realized I wrote it; and the truth is I still don't even entirely know what I was trying to say with it as I wrote it. But as I've sat here these last few days, and even that night I realized something...I spent 2017 lost...not physically lost mind you (although some may claim my move to NY was an excuse to become physically lost)....but lost none-the-less...here let me explain...
When I got back to the states in 2016 right before Thanksgiving, I came back on a God high. I came back unsure of what the future held. I came back thinking everything was going to be okay, but I quickly realized that I underestimated what "real" life was going to be like. Don't get me wrong, I knew the transition back to the states would be hard, but I didn't realize that I'd be jumping back into two very big trials in my life. One of which sent me into a total tail spin and threw me back into my own past faster then I could say "Welcome Back to the States". The other sent me into a time of grieving, a time of mourning for something that once was and never would be...these two trials (while semi-public) weren't things I was willing to talk about (if you don't already know and want to just ask) and yet not talking about them caused me to feel alone....and something I've come to realize in the last month or so is that when I feel alone I slip into a pretty deep depression...and I did that this last year (2017).
As well as not expecting the trials that started almost immediately as me touching US soil; I most certainty was not expecting the expectations that would come from people as I came back. People who expected me to have a perfect plan for my life, and who didn't think I was living up to my potential. People who told me that I was wasting time working at a minimum wage job while trying to figure out what's next, people who thought I should be on Fire for God 100% of the time...(It's not that I didn't want to be or don't want to be...but showing that Excitement and Being on Fire 100% of the time is exhausting). I wasn't expecting people to think I wasn't doing enough....and people who still don't think I'm doing enough.
So with a build up of things and emotions I did what I do best I ran...I emotional ran, but this time I also Physically Ran. So far that I ran 3000 miles to the other side of the country. Truth is...for some odd reason I think in my head I thought that running would make my problems go away, would make those trials and feelings of not being enough disappear. I thought it would be easier to be someplace new and reinvent myself, be someplace where I didn't need to be on fire 100% of the time, a place where I could just blend into the background and let things just be....
But over the last six months I've realized that's not who I am. Truth is though I'm only just beginning to realize this. Life isn't easy it was never meant to be. Yes, I stepped outside those trials (well one of them), but that doesn't mean that they still weren't going on. In fact, not only was I balancing those now that I moved but another major one started within my immediate family regarding my sisters health. One that has had me questioning my place, and whether I'm a good sister or not...does it make me a bad sister that I don't know that I'll ever be able to look at Peanut the same way once she has a hole in her stomach for the rest of her life...is just one of many questions to pass through my head many times in the last few months. does it make me a bad sister that its easier for me to stay away than to be there while Peanut's in so much pain...I love Peanut but I just don't know...I never do well when Peanut is sick, and now she's just not sick, but she's looking at a life alternating surgery, and all I can do is think about how it makes me feel...are just a few others to pass through my head. And the more into my own head I get the worse things are/become.
On top of that because of my work schedule I just haven't been able to make it to church, and once I started missing church on a regular basis it just the beginning of making other habits like care group (community groups/bible studies) easier to skip out on, and then I quit reading my bible regularly and quickly it became not at all which then effects my prayer life, etc....and I know that there are some who think my move to NY is why this all started to slip; but the truth is, that while yes, its most obviously been manifested here, looking back on it, it started while I was back in LG. It started shortly around the beginning of 2017...there was never a conscious choice to cut back or let things fall wayside...it started out with thoughts like "well I just spent a year of my life (2016) doing nothing but the God thing, i deserve a break"...God won't mind will he? To life is just too fast I need to cut something out...so rather than cut that extra hour of Netflix out to spend time with God, it was easier to be like hey God I'll get to you next week...,and so it went and slowly life flew by and quickly before I knew it I was lost...
No maybe I wasn't physically lost (or maybe I am I don't know), but I was very emotionally lost and spiritually lost. So much so that at one point I was willing to let a sexual harassment issue at work slide until Kake told me not to that I NEEDED to stand up for myself. And so with some persuasion from Her, my roommate, Sarah and Caleb I did. Standing up for myself felt like the first worth while thing I'd done in a while and made me feel like me...but very quickly I found myself headed down a depression spiral one that I spent the better half of 2017 battling. Truth is...2017 was a hard year for me.
It's only been in the last few weeks that things have slowly started to change for me. That I've started to realize just how lost I've been. Things aren't perfect...trials are still there, depression is there...my PTSD has kicked in really badly the last few weeks and I jump at everything...but slowly it's getting better. I stood up for myself on some stuff in the last few weeks, I've started journaling more; I've realized that I'm not okay and that I need to stop acting like I am. I've started to spend more time with God....and the truth is that it's a journey, a journey from going not okay to okay.
Earlier I wrote the thing Truth Is from my journal entry that kind of started all this and when I wrote it I didn't know what it was about and the more time I've had to process and time to step away from when I originally wrote it the more I realize its about my relationship with God...that entry from my journal was how that journal entry started this is how it ended that day:
"2017: You tried it you way...
How did that work out for you?
2018: Now it's time to do it my way...
~ GOD"
The truth is...I tried doing 2017 on my own, I didn't let friends, family or God in really. I think I thought I was at the time but the truth is I wasn't and when I did It was only part way...and where did it get me...is it got me really lost...
The Truth is...I don't want to do 2018 on my own. I want it in God's hands. I want God to lead. I don't want to be lost anymore. So here it is...the truth is I don't like new year resolutions and that's why this isn't one...but 2018 IS YOUR'S GOD, I'm gonna do my best to let you run it. To let you have control. It's not easy for me to hand over that control but I'm gonna do my best to try. I'm gonna let friends and family in...and let them help me along the way...but most importantly 2018 belongs to you God.
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