Its not all Black and White

I can remember being a kid and being told what was right versus what was wrong...what was good versus bad; well behaved versus naughty, yes versus no, etc..and as a child it seemed all so black and white.

A lie was a lie and there was nothing to it, stealing was wrong, life versus death, going to church each weekend, what words were allowed to be said and what was a "swear" word...black and white no grey area.

However, the older I've gotten the more I've come to realize that this world isn't all black and white, and that there is not always a right or wrong answer. Sometimes a lie or a "white lie" as we often call it is a necessary tactic....try telling a pregnant woman that she looks fat it doesn't go over to well, instead we tell them they look great, that they're "glowing"....how the heck does a person "glow." When a woman asks there significant other if they look fat in a pair of pants, they don't want the honest truth, they want to be told that they look good. See lying, or not lying isn't always so black and white. I'm not saying lying is justified, and that you should lie. You shouldn't lie to a cop when they ask you questions in an investigation; you shouldn't lie to put blame on another person when you are at fault for something. There are times, most in fact when lying isn't the way to go, but sometimes....just sometimes, a lie is necessary.

Murder isn't okay either, and yet our society has decided the death penalty is a necessity.  Black and white growing up, I always thought it wasn't okay to have the death penalty because in my mind things were black and white and the death penalty was a form of murder and murder wasn't okay. But the more I've grown up, the more I've traveled, the more I've seen how necessary it may be. I don't think taking a life is ever okay. But when I think about Ted Bundy, Jack the Ripper, etc...my insides turn and make flip floppy sounds and I can see and understand why the death penalty is a reality and a necessity in our society. I think too often we're quick to say lets just through the death penalty at someone for doing something, but rather we should try to see what the root of the problem is, can a person be rehabilitated or not? Black or white, or is there a grey area....grey area's do exist.

Black or white...politics. With everything going in on our society as of late....liberals versus conservatives....the far right versus the far left.....is there a right side or a wrong side. I used to side with one side of the other, but the truth is the older I've gotten the more I've realized just how not black and white things are and just how much I fall in the middle of things. Some issues I side with the conservatives, some I side with the liberals, but most of the time, I fall in my own little world of somewhere in the middle. Its not all black and white with politics, there is a grey area.

Black and white.....write versus wrong, its not always one or the other, there is a grey area. A big issue in our society lately has been women rights, especially in relation to Abortion. Here's the thing, and for those who know me it might surprise them..but I'm pro-choice. I'm Pro-Choice and here is why...when people talk about pro-life versus pro-choice, the biggest issues to arise is the life of the baby...but here's the thing, but about the life of the woman carrying the child. In our society today we focus a lot on how we should make abortions illegal, about how the conception point is when a baby is a baby; but what about the woman and her life. Here is the thing, if we ban abortions, if we make them illegal again, that doesn't mean that people are going to stop having abortions. Women who want to have an abortion are still going to have them, and here's the thing we make them illegal then the women who are going to have them regardless of what society says is legal are going to start goings back to the old days where people went to random storage sheds and peoples garages to have them; and don't think that just because they're illegal people are going to stop performing them, they're is always going to be that one person who wants money and is willing to do what ever it takes to make it even if it means performing some sketchy abortion in a garage. I would rather have abortions legal and in a safe environment done by people who know what they are doing where the woman having it can live and potentially have a chance to come around and accept Christ, and repent, then have them die on the table in some random person's garage. never having had a chance to realize that maybe there was a way. That's not to say that I think all people having abortions aren't Christians, because, yes they're are Christians out they're who've made mistakes...but its to say that I want ot be able to give people the chance to make that decision to accept Christ, and to repent if they want...but honestly that's only one part of why I'm Pro-Choice...

I'm pro-choice, because I am pro-life...but I'm pro-life of all humans....

Truth Is...

So I realize it's been a while since I blogged. Actually, its been five almost six months since my last post. The lack of posting hasn't been because I haven't had anything to say, because I have. It isn't because I haven't wanted to, because I do....it's because....It's because I haven't known how to say what I want to say. Truth is I still don't....Truth is I had every intention of writing a 2017 end of year blog called A Year's Reflections but as I thought about what I wanted to say, as I sat down to start writing it several times, nothing came to mind, nothing worked...made sense....I realized recently I couldn't write it because I didn't want to be honest about my reflections of 2017; I did't want to be honest with others let alone myself about what I honestly thought and felt throughout 2017.

TRUTH IS...this is not a 2017 reflection blog, and yet maybe it is a little. TRUTH IS...even as I write this I'm not sure what I'm trying to say or convey...but for once maybe my blog doesn't need to have every word thought out...maybe...Just maybe this blog needs to be free formed and free flowed...

The other day, I was home...off from work for like the third day in a row and was thinking about  a lot of things, and I sat there my brain began to spin...and when my I start to think about things ,rarely do I stick topic, I usually go from topic A to B to C really quickly and so I went to my bedroom to just lay on my bed and let my brain spin happen and at some point I looked next to my bed and saw my journal there....a journal which if I'm being honest I hadn't touched in almost two months....and I was like, I have way to much on my mind so maybe I should just put pen to paper and start writing...so I did. As I did, I began to realize that I'd been holding a lot in, that I hadn't processed 2017 that I had allowed myself to get to a place where I wasn't as open

As I'm writing in my journal things just started spilling out...one of those things is this :

Truth Is...

By ME

I need you,

I miss you,

Life is what it is....

                              and I can't change that

I miss you

I need you

I wish I could be...

                         the person you need

Truth is...

I need you

I Love you

I miss you

I'm scared

                             Scared I'm not enough

                         That I can't Handle it

                     That its all to much

Truth is...

I'm overwhelmed

I'm Hurt

 I'm Lost

I'm Not all Okay

I'm okay [well maybe not]

I'm all but not

I need you 

I miss You 

I love You

There are conversations to be had

There is a life to be lived

A future of unknown....

This is what came out faster than I'd even realized I wrote it; and the truth is I still don't even entirely know what I was trying to say with it as I wrote it.  But as I've sat here these last few days, and even that night I realized something...I spent 2017 lost...not physically lost mind you (although some may claim my move to NY was an excuse to become physically lost)....but lost none-the-less...here let me explain...

When I got back to the states in 2016 right before Thanksgiving, I came back on a God high. I came back unsure of what the future held. I came back thinking everything was going to be okay, but I quickly realized that I underestimated what "real" life was going to be like. Don't get me wrong, I knew the transition back to the states would be hard, but I didn't realize that I'd be jumping back into two very big trials in my life. One of which sent me into a total tail spin and threw me back into my own past faster then I could say "Welcome Back to the States". The other sent me into a time of grieving, a time of mourning for something that once was and never would be...these two trials (while semi-public) weren't things I was willing to talk about (if you don't already know and want to just ask) and yet not talking about them caused me to feel alone....and something I've come to realize in the last month or so is that when I feel alone I slip into a pretty deep depression...and I did that this last year (2017). 

As well as not expecting the trials that started almost immediately as me touching US soil; I most certainty was not expecting the expectations that would come from people as I came back. People who expected me to have a perfect plan for my life, and who didn't think I was living up to my potential. People who told me that I was wasting time working at a minimum wage job while trying to figure out what's next, people who thought I should be on Fire for God 100% of the time...(It's not that I didn't want to be or don't want to be...but showing that Excitement and Being on Fire 100% of the time is exhausting). I wasn't expecting people to think I wasn't doing enough....and people who still don't think I'm doing enough. 

So with a build up of things and emotions I did what I do best I ran...I emotional ran, but this time I also Physically Ran. So far that I ran 3000 miles to the other side of the country. Truth is...for some odd reason I think in my head I thought that running would make my problems go away, would make those trials and feelings of not being enough disappear. I thought it would be easier to be someplace new and reinvent myself, be someplace where I didn't need to be on fire 100% of the time, a place where I could just blend into the background and let things just be....

But over the last six months I've realized that's not who I am. Truth is though I'm only just beginning to realize this. Life isn't easy it was never meant to be. Yes, I stepped outside those trials (well one of them), but that doesn't mean that they still weren't going on. In fact, not only was I balancing those now that I moved but another major one started within my immediate family regarding my sisters health. One that has had me questioning my place, and whether I'm a good sister or not...does it make me a bad sister that I don't know that I'll ever be able to look at Peanut the same way once she has a hole in her stomach for the rest of her life...is just one of many questions to pass through my head many times in the last few months. does it make me a bad sister that its easier for me to stay away than to be there while Peanut's in so much pain...I love Peanut but I just don't know...I never do well when Peanut is sick, and now she's just not sick, but she's looking at a life alternating surgery, and all I can do is think about how it makes me feel...are just a few others to pass through my head. And the more into my own head I get the worse things are/become. 

On top of that because of my work schedule I just haven't been able to make it to church, and once I started missing church on a regular basis it just the beginning of making other habits like care group (community groups/bible studies) easier to skip out on, and then I quit reading my bible regularly  and quickly it became not at all which then effects my prayer life, etc....and I know that there are some who think my move to NY is why this all started to slip; but the truth is, that while yes, its most obviously been manifested here, looking back on it, it started while I was back in LG. It started shortly around the beginning of 2017...there was never a conscious choice to cut back or let things fall wayside...it started out with thoughts like "well I just spent a year of my life (2016) doing nothing but the God thing, i deserve a break"...God won't mind will he? To life is just too fast I need to cut something out...so rather than cut that extra hour of Netflix out to spend time with God, it was easier to be like hey God I'll get to you next week...,and so it went and slowly life flew by and quickly before I knew it I was lost...

No maybe I wasn't physically lost (or maybe I am I don't know), but I was very emotionally lost  and spiritually lost. So much so that at one point I was willing to let a sexual harassment issue at work slide until Kake told me not to that I NEEDED to stand up for myself. And so with some persuasion from Her, my roommate, Sarah and Caleb I did. Standing up for myself felt like the first worth while thing I'd done in a while and made me feel like me...but very quickly I found myself headed down a depression spiral one that I spent the better half of 2017 battling. Truth is...2017 was a hard year for me. 

It's only been in the last few weeks that things have slowly started to change for me. That I've started to realize just how lost I've been. Things aren't perfect...trials are still there, depression is there...my PTSD has kicked in really badly the last few weeks and I jump at everything...but slowly it's getting better. I stood up for myself on some stuff in the last few weeks, I've started journaling more; I've realized that I'm not okay and that I need to stop acting like I am. I've started to spend more time with God....and the truth is that it's a journey, a journey from going not okay to okay.

Earlier I wrote the thing Truth Is from my journal entry that kind of started all this and when I wrote it I didn't know what it was about and the more time I've had to process and time to step away from when I originally wrote it the more I realize its about my relationship with God...that entry from my journal was how that journal entry started this is how it ended that day:

"2017:  You tried it you way...

 How did that work out for you?

2018: Now it's time to do it my way...

~ GOD"

The truth is...I tried doing 2017 on my own, I didn't let friends, family or God in really. I think I thought I was at the time but the truth is I wasn't and when I did It was only part way...and where did it get me...is it got me really lost...

The Truth is...I don't want to do 2018 on my own. I want it in God's hands. I want God to lead. I don't want to be lost anymore. So here it is...the truth is I don't like new year resolutions and that's why this isn't one...but 2018 IS YOUR'S GOD, I'm gonna do my best to let you run it. To let you have control. It's not easy for me to hand over that control but I'm gonna do my best to try. I'm gonna let friends and family in...and let them help me along the way...but most importantly 2018 belongs to you God. 

"For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge,  and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love." (2 Peter 1:5-7 ESV) 

Emotional Runner- The Drunken Revelation

"Not all who are Lost

Wander, 

and not all who Wander

are Lost....

But as for me I fall somewhere in Between" 

As I was journaling today, this is the saying that summarized my musings of the day and what I've been feeling for the last few weeks. 

Early last week I was accused by a friend of having been emotionally running again, and I was in complete denial about it at first, but then realized he was correct and told him so...and as time ran out on on our phone call I told him I'd think about our conversation and get back to him later in the week. 

The only problem with that statement, is that by the end of the night I knew what I needed to tell him, but wasn't about too...and with everything going on in my life when given the opportunity to go out with a friend and her friends I may have gotten a little to into it and a little on the drunk side...okay if we are totally honest, I wasn't a little drunk, I was flat out drunk...to the point I don't really remember the last two hours of the night or so. 

I woke up the next morning with the feeling of oh no what did I do,  and then passed back out for the rest of the day with a nasty hangover. Over the course of the last week I've had a lot of time to think...between a friend not returning my calls or text, and the fact that my job gives me a lot of time to just be by myself and internally think (not always a good thing to be inside my head 8 hours a day); I've had time to think, process, reflect. 

One of the reason's I wasn't thrilled that my friend C called me out on being an emotional runner was because I thought I had processed through it all while abroad last year, in-fact if you look at my blog from the WR deidrapeters.theworldrace.org I even had written a blog called "No Longer a Runner"...but I've realized this week that while I did work on it, while I processed through it last year, I did it to the point, where everyone who saw me and asked me about it got the answer that they wanted that I was okay, that I wasn't going to emotionally run anymore. Yet that's exactly what I've been doing. 

When I got home from the World Race (WR) almost 10 months ago I came back to a lot unknowns...unknown about family, about church, about where I'd fit into my friend group, about being dropped into some unexpected family drama that would bring up things from my past that I HAD dealt with, that I thought I had processed through....I came back to chaos...and I don't handle chaos well. The first 7 months back or so I was in La Grande, Oregon... the town I had deemed home; I threw myself back into work, church (Youth Group), friends and family...but I wasn't happy...I didn't really tell anyone this, not until after I'd been in New York for a few weeks when C and I were talking and I finally told him I hadn't been miserable, but I hadn't been happy for a long time either. So after making several decisions that I knew were right for me, I chose to leave LG. I chose to leave behind friends, to leave behind a youth group I loved, a church that had helped me find my way back to Christ, and a family I cared about. But I needed a change. So I left and I moved to Albany, NY.

I've been here in Albany for 2 months now, and things haven't been easy. In fact the last few weeks have been hard. To the point that I started asking people for advice about what to do. Most said to stick it out and find a solution to the problem, C's response was to come home... which led into that conversation I mentioned at the beginning of this blog from last Monday...about me being a runner. My whole thought was if you thought I was running why didn't you say something, and as he put it would I have listened. Hind-sight is 20/20 and honestly yes, I  would have listened, and taken his advice into account, because as my best friend C's opinion matters to me.  But would I have done what he recommended, I guess we'll never know. 

But the conversation did send me on a tailspin of thinking. And in my usual response to heavy thinking is emotionally running, so what did I do I went out and got drunk. I honestly intended on just having a drink or two at dinner but then I realized quickly how much easier and fun the night would be if I could just forget about my problems and not have to do any real processing...and as I write this I now realize why SJ, C, K, and L were so worried about me leaving. Drinking for me as always been an outlet, a way to avoid, to not process...and in doing so just flat out avoid solving any problems. 

But this last week, since that drunken night, I've taken the time to process and to reflect, and to deal. I took steps to solve the major problem I had been dealing with. (It's not completely solved yet, but the first step has been taken)...I realized that maybe I haven't dealt with everything all the way like I thought I had, and that yes I am an emotional runner; but that  as much as I miss people back in LG, back in OREGON....as much as I miss C, SJ, DJ, SS, K, L, M, J, KT and JT it wouldn't do me any good to "run" back the second things got hard here. Like it or not I made the choice to move to Albany. And I'm going to stand by that choice. Is it hard that things at my job aren't perfect...sure, but for the most part I like my coworkers, love my managers, and actually kind of enjoy the work. Even if its not the job I want long term, its a job that pays the bills until I figure out exactly what it is I want. Is it hard knowing I don't get to go to church every week because of my schedule, and that I'm not a part of a youth group. Absolutely, but I've made a few friends from the few church events I've been with, and with time I have faith that I will get my work schedule worked out so I can go more. I miss my youth kids more than I thought, but thankful because of things like SNAPCHAT, FACEBOOK, and INSTAGRAM I can still talk to them and watch them as they grow into young men and women And I'm good with that. 

The hardest part about being here and not back in LG or Oregon is being so far away from my friends. I hate not being near KT AND JT and my nieces and nephews. Just as I was starting to have a relationship with my sister I bailed, but yet we've started talking more since I've left so maybe that was a blessing. But most of all what I miss is not being there to hang out with SS, DJ, SJ, K &M, L&J, and of course C. But what I've realized this week is that the easy choice would be to go back; to return to the known; but here on my own, I've started the process of growing, of not running. I stood up for myself in a hard situation this last week. And I honestly don't know if I would have done that back in LG. I would have look towards other people to fight for me, to stand up for me...but I took charge of my own life and stood up for myself, and that felt good. I'm learning that running isn't healthy, and yes maybe to get here I was "running" from stuff, and maybe all my friends knew it and just didn't say anything...but maybe that's a good thing because for once instead of taking the easy way out, and "running again" I'm gonna stick it out and see what happens. It doesn't mean that I'll be here for ever, and that I won't ever change my mind about coming back to OR; but it does mean that for the first time in a long time I'm choosing not to run. 

Emotional running is a trait I've had for ever, and its not a healthy one and I know that. Getting drunk like I did the other night isn't something I've done in several years, and not something I plan on doing on a regular basis or like ever again to be honest...but as I sit here writing this, I realize that if I hadn't gotten drunk that night and hadn't been beating myself up about it all week, I wouldn't have taken the time to process and to figure somethings out. 

I'm not perfect...nobody is, but I'm working on me...and the first thing to do is acknowledge I'm an emotional runner. 

"Not all who are Lost

Wander, 

and not all who Wander

are Lost....

But as for me I fall somewhere in Between" 

Psalm 37:23-24 (NIV)

"The Lord makes Firm the Steps

of the one who delights in him;

though he may stumble, he will not fall, 

for the lord upholds him with his hand" 

Everyone has a Dry Season

I've been back in the states from the World Race for almost 9 months now and wow has time flown. Its hard to believe that in the last nine months, I started a job, ended a job, lost my grandpa to cancer, and moved across the country and am now looking for a new job.

Seasons have a way of coming and going. The World Race was one hell of a season of life for me. It grew me, changed me, and brought me to new understanding about myself, my family, friends, and life itself.

Here I am nine months later and I'm starting a new season of life. I've recently moved to Albany, NY...why, you might ask? Honestly, I don't know...

We'll maybe that's not entirely true, but what I do know is in that season of in-between...of coming home and not knowing what's next, I ended up becoming  very emotionally and spiritually drained. I ended up in a very unemotionally healthy phase of life, and moving to New York was meant to help me get out of that, was supposed to help me find my way again.

I've been here for almost three weeks now and the only thing I've realized is this....I'm broke and lonely...and while yes I moved in with a old friend, and yes I've started to make some new ones, the truth is I'm lonely for what I had, for what I'm missing out on back home. I'm searching for jobs, and I mean really searching, but part of me wonders if it was a mistake....was it a mistake to move out here, to give everything up back home....to leave my friends, the comfort of family, of a church I kind of liked....leave it all behind to have to try to figure it all out again...

But then as I sat there in my room today after having slept in way to long, missing yet another opportunity to try a new church...EVERYONE HAS A DRY SPELL. Everyone has a DRY SEASON. Life isn't meant to be all highs and fun....every now and then we hit the lows, we get emotionally drained, we end up spiritually drained, financially drained...etc...we end up looking at our selves wondering what the heck we're doing with our lives....and then it clicks...I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

I've known for a long time that God was calling me here to New York, but I don't know why....and truthfully I still don't. I didn't know why at first God called me back to La Grande for only eight months, but by the time I left I had learned why, it was a season to break me back down to take me back to where I needed him, and now I'm putting my trust in him as I start this new season of life, knowing that I don't know anything...I don't know why I'm here, I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing it, or how I'm gonna provide for myself yet....but I do know that God Provides...he always has....he provides in the season's of life that we see us ups, as highs as fruitful, but he also provides for us in these seasons of life where we are drained, where we do find our selves in the valley's of life, the lows, the dry seasons....and that's okay....because something I'm realizing as I write this blog is that sometimes we need these dry seasons to see just how much God really does provide...How much he really does love, and care....and I can't wait to see what he does in my life...

Do you look for him in your dry season's....or do you just accept that its a dry season and just try to wait it our without every acknowledged that he may have you there for a reason? Do you thank him for those dry season's, or do you only thank him and acknowledge him in the fruitful seasons, the season of highs? Are you in a dry season? Have you asked yourself why you feel like you are? Have you looked for him recently and seen the wonders he does in your life?

These aren't just questions for you the readers, but for myself as well, because I've realized that sometimes I find it easier to sit back and just coast in life, and just "accept" my life as it is, rather than to look at it is as what is God teaching me, what does he learn from this season of life....Everyone has a dry season, and that's okay...but what are you using it for? 

unTEACHABLE

Last year as I traveled, one thing my group and I did to pas the time was to ask each other about our least favorite words. Words like, Moist (Tammy 😂 ), Fleshy, Pussy, Gushy, etc...were several of the words that came out, often because of the way they sounded. But throughout the year, I was adamant that I didn't have a word that I didn't like...but looking back on it, and taking time to think about it the truth is I do have a word I don't like. And its not because of the way it sounds it because of how we use it, and what the word itself means. My least favorite world in the entire world is UNTEACHABLE. 

From the time I was little, I can remember hearing people telling kids, that they were stupid, that they were "retards" that they were unteachable. People like parent, teachers, pastors, etc...people that we as kids should be looking up to as examples of who we wanted to be in the future; but weren't setting an example that they should have been. 

There was a girl in my class who's brother had been told he was stupid and unteachable in the 3rd grade, and he believed it. Believed it so much that he didn't believe in himself, that he struggled through school, through college...that despite people telling him later on that he was worth it, it didn't seem to matter. He's graduated college now, he's got a life, but I know that he still doubts, that he still doesn't fully believe in himself, and you know how I know that...because that's how I feel. 

I've had people all my life question my ability to learn, to tell me that I'm not worth it, that I'm stupid, that I'm "unteachable" and it hurt. A lot of people don't know this, but I have a short in my brain that messes with my short term memory (I do have however, an amazing long term memory..as my friend Tammy put it one day an Elephant Memory)...that make it really hard for me to copy stuff off a board from a teacher, or notes from a textbook without missing full complete sentences. And trust me its frustrating. But what's more frustrating is having people question whether or not I'm trying, question whether  I really want to learn or not...I'm not a good test taker and I don't copy well...and yet I graduated high school, and I have a bachelor's degree in English Lit; and am headed back to school in a few months to get another degree. I've had to do it on my own though. 

My mom didn't believe in having me labeled. And that's okay. I get parents not wanting to label their kids with disabilities, but that's only okay if as a parent you acknowledge there is something is wrong and that they may need an alternative way of learning. For me, it meant in college printing off the professors power point and taking them to class to read and write my own note on as he/she taught; it meant letting teachers know that I needed a quiet space to take my tests where I could read the questions out-loud to process them. Everyone learns differently and that's okay.

My cousin, J, was dyslexic and people used to say he was unteachable. That they couldn't be bothered anymore. But the truth was J was an intelligent young man who needed a different way of learning. He hated to read, but it wasn't because he couldn't, it was because he 1)actually hated to read...and 2) yes he would invert and flip letters around..but he learned to like reading, because of movies...before he died he told me one of his favorite books was Harry Potter, and it's because he could watch the movie first then read the book and it helped him visualize what he was reading. Being dyslexic wasn't an excuse for J to not learn but it did mean finding a different way for him to learn.

The word Unteachable, absolutely drive me nuts. I know people who think that acknowledging that someone has a learning disability means that they are giving an excuse to their child not to learn....that is NOT the case. It may just mean having to get creative in teaching a child to learn. It may mean having to re-think how you raise your child. Not every child is the same, so the same methods aren't going to work with each child. 

I don't care who you are and what your beliefs are, but it is never okay to tell a child that they are a "retard," that they are "stupid" or that they are Unteachable...and its never okay to tell someone else in-front of that child that they are unteachable. God created each of us for a purpose, and tearing someone down, not having faith that there is a solution,  not being willing to work and be flexible with a child who may learn a differently is so not okay.

One of my biggest pet peeves about society these days is how we want to "fix" the broken adults. My thought on it is let help the children before they become that broken adult. I have no perfect solution to how to do this. But my first thought is lets take the un...out of UnTeachable...and let kids know that they are unTeachable. Lets stop tearing kids down through emotional and verbal abuse of calling them stupid, retards, and unteachable, and lets start building them up. Let them know when they do something right, praise them when they have a good day. Let them know it okay to fail, and that it's okay to do something wrong, but let them know most of all that they are loved, whether they learn the way you want them to or not.

So yes, UnTeachable is my least favorite word in the dictionary. Lets stop using it in reference to children and humans. A plant maybe unteachable in learning to talk, but a human...a child...we'll they're teachable...sometimes you just have to step out of the box and figure out what works best for them 

Below: Photos of Children around the World...

Out of the Darkness

So I've been back in the States for two weeks now, and wow has it been insane. I've pretty much been going non-stop since I landed in Miami on the 21st and it doesn't look like things are gonna slow down anytime soon for me.

I spent the week of Thanksgiving with my Mom and sister, Jo, and then headed to La Grande, Oregon( where I call home currently) on the 26th and started back at work and youth group on the 29th. Between work, church, youth group, and catching up with friends it just doesn't seem like there has been much down time.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I'm home, but its been HARD being back and Exhausting. From readjusting to the West Coast time zone, to remembering I don't have to wear the same shirt three days in a row, to finding good quality quiet time...oh ya and I can flush the toilet paper, and what's that? Food I recognize...and so much more. I find myself easily getting upset by what people say..
for example, in the Miami airport I over heard someone saying how it wasn't fancy enough for them, and all I could think of was what's not fancy about this place...it's got A.C., running water, electricity, it has restaurants, free wifi, and so much more...how can they say this place isn't fancy.. and then on my flight from Chicago to Portland I found myself angry and upset at an ad on the in-flight television about a new drone that is being created to fly around third world countries to bring wifi to remote villages..all I could think  i get that wifi is a good thing to have, but don't people realize that WiFi isn't a necessity..no people need food, electricity, running water..people need hope; hell what the world needs is for people to give a damn, for people to care... and with that yes, adjusting home has been hard.

I find myself often wondering what my squad is up to; thinking about how I wish they were here to bounce ideas off, to keep me accountable for my quiet times, for how much time I spend on WiFi. I often wish I was back out on the field, wishing the World Race wasn't over yet, because that would be a simpler time. Simpler time...if you'd of asked me six months ago if I thought the World Race would be "simpler" than living back in the states I would have said you were nuts...sleeping on the ground easier than a bed, food I don't recognize or have eaten so much of I'm sick of it, not knowing if my clothes are gonna be dry or not before a travel day..no I would never have said that would be easier but now I wish for those days at times...deciding how often to do my laundry to keep up with cultural appropriateness on clean clothes, being in a living limbo for yet another month before moving into an apartment with friends, the cold (I miss the warmth of Argentina right now), trying to figure out what to do with my time when I do have free time; trying to find quality Jesus time, trying to figure out where I fit into and just always feeling exhausted

This last weekend, well Friday night/Saturday day I was home alone. Totally alone for about 24 hours, and when I got home from work..I sat down and thought about it and was like wow this is the first time in about 12 months I've been 100% guaranteed no interruptions alone and I'm too exhausted to enjoy it. I didn't want to do anything productive, I had no energy to watch a sermon, do a quiet time, read, pr even really watch a movie.....later that night I was Facebook Messaging a friend and had mentioned that it was the first time I was truly alone, and  he was like ENJOY IT...and I was like I'm too exhausted and that I hadn't really had time to process the race or had a good quiet time...and he was like we'll whats one thing you want to do and haven't done yet...and I was like find a a good spot to star gaze (its something I really got into while traveling this year) and he was like well  do it tomorrow and then I'll ask you about it tomorrow night. By this point of our conversation I was curled up in my bed watching a show on Netflix when I sat up paused it, and thought out loud why wait 'til tomorrow. I'm home alone now, I could just go out side tonight. So I did, I went out into the front yard with my cell phone in my back pocket, and started looking up at the sky when I realized there were no stars, but there was snow falling down around me, and it was a beautiful night, so I turned on some worship music on my phone ("Good Good Father", and then "No Longer Slaves") and just started worshiping God. I spent probably 30 minutes or outside just worshiping and talking to God and dancing in the snow, and came back in and realized that was the most relaxed, the least exhausted I'd been since being back in the States. I went back into the house when I was done, stood by the wood stove to warm up and texted my friend back saying that I had accepted his challenge to do something I'd wanted to do, and upped it by doing it that night instead of waiting, and telling him just how much I needed that night and thanked him for challenging me.

A lot has happened in the last few weeks. I've started back at Taco Time working. I've moved back to La Grande. I've started back at my church, and my old Youth Group...I've started to try and figure out where I "fit" again. Trying to work the pieces back together to take the next step towards where God wants me for this next chapter of my life. But in the mean time I've also come to realize that sometimes you just need to go into the darkness of the night, to let things out, to have a good long talk with God, to let him show you what he wants, what he needs. And sometimes when you go into that darkness, you walk out of the darkness with a new perspective.

So I challenge you....I challenge you to go and do something you want to do that you've never done... I challenge you to take something from your I'll do this in the future list and do it now...don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today...step out into the darkness of the unknown, of the I want to do this but I'm scared to try it, and do it...because you never know what might happen. For me stepping outside into the darkness resulted in the best thirty minutes of my life in the last two weeks and gave me more energy then I would have expected to keep on going. It gave me the energy I needed to be able to enjoy that time by myself.

What's your darkness? What is that one thing you need/want to do? GO AND DO IT!

Thank You and Goodbye (An Open Letter to 4th Gen D-Squad).

A/N: This is my final blog entry from my 2016 World Race blog deidrapeters.worldrace.org; if you would like to know more about my journey as a missionary in 2016 feel free to go to that blog and find out more. I will more than likely be referencing that year throughout this blog. 

Dear D-Squad, 

Well here it is. The end of not only my blog but our time together. We've been home, back in the states for a week now. Some of us have actually been in our states for that long, some of you since thanksgiving, and Shannon...we'll you've got a few more weeks. But the truth is still the same, we're no longer 34 missionaries split among five teams across one country, we're now 34 missionaries split among 33 teams (Ethan and Bethany count as one, we all know it) across one country for now, soon enough it will be across the world as Tammy heads back out to Asia, and Maria starts the process of heading back to Argentina and the rest of us decide where we want to be the States or someplace else. 

I can't believe how fast the 2016 year flew by. I can't believe it's been more than a year since we all met at training camp for the first time. I MISS YOU ALL so much.  

This last week as been great being back home, seeing family I haven't seen in ages some as long as a decade ago; eating more food than I care to admit...going on a shopping spree to get clothes that actually fit, sorting through all my old clothes to donate those I no longer need. Sleeping in a warm bed that I could guarantee wasn't going to fall through on me while I slept, flushing toilets, electricity (although I woke up to none on Thanksgiving), knowing that there should be toilet paper when I walk into a public restroom and so much more. This week has been great...but at the same time as I've gone through this week I couldn't help but think about you.

In the moments of quiet, I  realized just how quiet, quiet can be without five other people around at all times, and how quiet can really be without 34 other people around. Church was good, it was nice being in an English service, but the worship just wasn't the same without you all, it wasn't as....I don't even have the words to describe, it just wasn't the same. I miss having you all around for the feedback, for the time to process at night (Ironic I know, since I'm not a verbal processor); I miss the kick ass worship sessions at LDW and Debriefs, and always knowing that there is someone to do something with. I miss you all. 

But as much I miss you all, I know this...God brought us all together for a season of life, he knew we would need each other during the 2016 year, and he was right...but he also knew we would be going our separate ways at the end of the year to share him with others. But what's cool about going our separate ways is that we get to share HIM with so many more people, we get to take what we learned this year, not only from Him, and from the World but from each other and use it to better share Him with our Worlds, with our family, friends, community that we're creating. 

True, we may never 100% be together again, but that doesn't mean we're not still together at heart. It doesn't mean that we aren't still impacting each others lives; heck that's what Facebook, email, text, Instagram, etc.. are for...we may not talk everyday, or see each other for long amounts of time, but I KNOW each one of us would be there for any one of the people on our squad if they need us...whether it's someone you were super close to out on the field or not. Because only other racers can possibly know what we went through out there. 

I Love you all and want to say thank you. Thank you for teaching me about generosity, about love, about loving others and yourself, about intimacy with the lord. Thank you for teaching me about selflessness, about kindness, about hope, about trusting in the lord. Thank you for teaching me about letting people in, about learning to open up, about forgiveness, about trusting yourself, about self-awareness. Thank you...Thank you for trekking through the mountains of Chile with me, of walking alongside me as I learned to preach, to public speak, of hiking down a mountain in the Andes. Thank you, for teaching me a thousand silly songs, for the hours of standing beside me as we did music ministry in Thailand, as we did countless hours of children's ministry, as we figured out what Unsung Hero's looked like for us in Argentina. Thank you. Thank you for being men and women of God who taught me more about what men and woman of God look like. Thank you for patience as we all dealt with language barriers, and trying to figure our who we are, and our identity's in Christ. THANK YOU. 

These thanks' aren't just for D-Squad. But for our coaches, logistic leaders, Squad Mentor, and ASQL's as well. THANK YOU. 

As much as I could keep writing thank yous, and reliving this year the time has come to say Goodbye. Goodbye to our all-squad months; Goodbye to all-squad worship, to changing homes every month, to having set up sheets that are not helpful at all (R.A.M.S. never did make it to the jungle). Goodbye to having to figure out conversion rates, wondering if our clothes will dry in time for travel days. Goodbye to questionable food, and wondering if the water is safe enough to drink. Goodbye to hard feedback sessions, and team times that last hours upon hours (yes, Bravehearts' I'm talking to us)...Goodbye to the late night movie nights, to the can I borrow your headlamp to go the squatty, to crap I now have staff infection moments. Goodbye to the questionable medical care, and the why do I have to step over the chicken head to get the doctor. Goodbye to team budgets, and team phones. Goodbye to all the unknowns, and yet not because we're entering a whole new world of unknowns. Goodbye.

Thank you 4th Gen D-squad for be an awesome amazing group of men and women that I got to spend the 2016 year with, and Goodbye. I love you all.

Love, 

DEEDS